fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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