This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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