So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
