Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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