Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."