dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
