Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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