I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
