Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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