Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
