i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
