...so i touched it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
