I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
