I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
