tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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