I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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