I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
