I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
