he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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