does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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