not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
