i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
