The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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