My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
