he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
