Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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