I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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