My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
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You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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