I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
