Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
