I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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