just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
