he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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