Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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