I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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