I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
