After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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