The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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