New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
