Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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