I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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