Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
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...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
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151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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