Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm jealous of your bromance
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
