How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Randomize
