even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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