I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
