He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
