Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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