I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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