i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
