just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
