I wish my penis had an off switch
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
