go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
