I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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