How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
time to smoke my breakfast
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
